I have readily admitted in this forum and elsewhere that I am and probably always will be my own favorite topic of conversation. I am also definitely the reflective type (with an out-sized ego to be sure, far from the humble, Christ-like person I'd like to be), but honestly, even I have trouble talking about myself for an hour; pondering such imponderables as why I did this or that, and didn't do that or the other. What was I thinking when I did or said that? I don't know! It's difficult to stand outside yourself and reflect this way, especially when it comes to assuming an external, objective, cog-in-the-machine perspective that explains (and convinces!) how I can contribute to an existing enterprise and why they should hire me.
I am not saying I am above doing this, or that I shouldn't have to do so. What I'm saying is it felt strange doing it, and furthermore I never in a million years pictured myself at 55 years old, back at square one, basically selling myself and my abilities like I did over thirty years ago back when I graduated from college and was trying to land my first job.
The experience reminded me how much of life is actually circular rather than linear as we imagine it to be. I usually think of life (whether it's vocationally, spiritually, or relationally) as starting at point "A" then traveling through "B," "C," and "D," before ending up at "E." Charted on a graph this would look like the typical grid where you start low on the left and move steadily upward towards the right. In reality, life is more circular, with periods of striding forth, growing and experiencing, followed by times of falling back to a previous starting point. Somehow this bothers me - maybe it's the language I'm using about "falling back." We don't like to "fall back" do we - we always want to be pressing ahead - "Onward and upward!" Right?
Thinking about life this way it's easy to see how the Eastern notion of life as being cyclical, with Karma and rewards and punishment can be so appealing and intuitive to so many people. Honestly though, even in Eastern Religions the goal of the individual is to escape the wheel - to break out of the seemingly unending cycles of life and death.
I don't really know where I'm going with this ramble so I have no idea how to conclude it. I'm certainly not converting to Hinduism nor am I trying to convince you to do so. Perhaps the best way to conclude would be to simply throw out a few "lessons" from my interview experience using clichés (always a great literary device). Here goes: What I'm saying is, "never say never" because you never know what's going to happen. Always consider carefully what you are about to do because some day you will undoubtedly have to explain yourself. And certainly, "don't burn any bridges" because you may someday need to cross back over those very same bridges you so foolishly torched. Meanwhile, trust God and do the best you can. That said, excuse me, I've got to go pray a bit, and brush up my resume.
