Actually I've always liked weddings. I liked officiating at them and
I enjoy attending them (but don’t tell my wife). I like them because I
love the beauty of the ritual itself and because they are such important rites of
passage that they really make me think. Seriously, it’s difficult to sit at a
wedding – even if you don’t know the couple – and not ponder the deeper things
of life. Am I right?
Rites of passage like births, baptisms, coming of age rituals,
marriages, and even deaths act as thresholds in our lives. Experiencing them is
like moving from one room to the next through a door. The ritual itself, whether it's a baptism ceremony,
wedding, or a funeral is the threshold or doorway.
Arnold van Gennep in his seminal book The Rites of
Passage described rites of passage as a threefold process with phases and accompanying rituals of separation, segregation, and integration. As he saw it, for there to be a healthy and whole new self
the old self must die (ritually speaking) and the new self must be born. That means the
role of those surrounding the individuals going through these doorways is
somewhat akin to that of a midwife. For the ones experiencing these rites, old
things such as family, friends and familiar surroundings must be left behind. This is sometimes symbolized ritualistically by the person(s) being ceremonially "given away" and/or be carried off for an extended time to an unfamiliar location where they learn the meaning and practices of their new status and relationship. In the case of marriage
this might be the honeymoon. (Yes friends, that's what honeymoons are really for!) Only after these separation and segregation stages are complete do the people involved undergo the third phase of a rite of passage, their reincorporation into
society. But even as they re-enter society they do so with a new and different status and identity, perhaps
involving a new title (Mr. or Mrs.) or name (Amy Elizabeth Jackson Halley). The people also frequently adopt wearing symbols of their new-found identity such as wedding bands, and, almost
certainly their new life together requires new patterns of behavior with appropriate duties and
responsibilities.
As alluded to above, Van Gennep likened life to a home with people moving over thresholds from room to room. The Latin word for
threshold is limen, so Van Gennep called his three phases of rites of passage
as preliminal, liminal, and postliminal. He also pointed out that rites of
passage often involve more than one type of status change. In a marriage, for
example, it is not only the bride and groom that pass from being single to being married but their parents also become parents-in-law and friends of the other in-laws.
Parents, siblings, and friends may all find themselves entering new
relationships, sometimes joyfully (as I'm confident is the case in Amy and John's wedding), and sometimes not so joyfully.
To ease this transition, stories recounting the achievement
or character of the party(s) going through these doorways are often recounted to celebrate
what has been and to help guide the person(s) into their new life. In the case
of marriage this may consist of toasts and storytelling at the rehearsal dinner or ceremony itself. We enjoyed a lot of that on Friday night. Gifts
and goods are also often provided to assist the individual(s) as they move from
one world to the next. John and Amy were blessed with many wonderful gifts.
In case you're wondering where I'm going with all this, I want to point out that Van Gennep’s theory isn’t just a bunch of
psycho-babble. Jesus said something very similar himself about marriage
which has been molded into a wedding homily by more than a few old preachers like me. The passage for this wedding homily is Matthew 19:5 where Jesus, quoting Genesis chapter 2, says 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' And there you have it – leave (separate) – cleave (segregate) – and the two shall become as one – weave (integrate).
The three points of the homily are (gotta have three points, right?) that the couple must leave, cleave and
weave. The old King James Version of Matt. 19:5 even had the word cleave in it. For a marriage to be successful both parties to the union must leave
their family of origin (symbolically speaking something must die). They must
cleave to one another segregating themselves from society for a time to form their new union and identity. The imagery here is clear
enough, but this goes far beyond sex and getting away for a honeymoon. Finally, the couple must weave a new life
together, combining their strengths, forgiving one another’s weaknesses and becoming a three-fold strand, a concept based on Ecclesiastes 4:12 which says, "A cord of three strands is not easily broken." Christ, of course is the third and most central strand in Christian marriage. In
common lingo – the couple must have each others’ backs with Jesus at the center as their guide. This biblical message straight from the heart of God and the lips of Jesus matches up well with Van Gennep's phases of separation, segregation and integration, doesn't it?
This is probably much too technical of an analysis of the wonderful event that happened in our family this past weekend – but seen in
this light I actually believe all those who know and love Amy and John have a role to play in seeing them blossom in their
marriage and in their new life together. I was so glad the couple asked for our help in doing that during the ceremony.
In closing I'd like to raise one more glass to the happy couple and again give all the glory to the
God that brought them together. Hear Hear! Cheers!
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