Marriage as House Building

I just learned that a couple from a church I once pastored recently divorced. This couple was amazing together; of all the couples I've known they would have been near the bottom of my list of marriages that might not make it. What makes a good marriage? Why do some flourish while others don't survive? Henri Nouwen once wrote that marriage is not a lifelong attraction of two individuals to each other, but a call for two people to witness together to God's love. The basis of marriage, Nouwen claims, is not mutual affection, or feelings, or the emotions and passion that we normally associate with love. Instead it is a vocation - a calling - to build together a house for God in this world.

When I think of all the great marriages I've been around, that's mainly what I see. Most of the folks in those marriages wouldn't explain their marriages that way, but that's exactly what they are. Like much of life, living on the surface of things, using language which limits what we are trying to describe, and, most importantly, our finite understanding of the world around us distorts much of what is really there. Some people will tell you their marriage is based on the great friendship they have with their spouse. Others say it's being there for the kids that makes their marriage "work." But in reality God is at the center of it all. It's God that the couple is, knowingly or not, building a house for in the world, that makes their marriage so great.

The next time you look across the breakfast table at your spouse keep that in mind. It's a high privilege and a holy calling you're participating in; make the most of it every day.

A Must Read

Every so often I read a book that touches me deeply; so much so that I want to go out and buy a case of the books to give to all my friends. Such is the case with the book I just finished, "Tattoos on the Heart - the Power of Boundless Compassion" by Gregory Boyle.

Boyle is a Jesuit priest and the founder and executive director of Homeboy Industries in Los Angeles. My daughter Amy has toured the ministry and heard Father Greg speak there before. She liked the book so much she gave me a copy for Christmas.

Homeboy Industries is located in the middle of the two largest public-housing projects in LA. This makes the mission "ground zero" for gang activity in what is generally acknowledged as the gang capital of the world, Los Angeles. LA County claims 1,100 gangs numbering some 86,000 members. Homeboy Industries was founded to give gang members who are ready to give up gang life a second chance. The ministry offers job placement, training, education and encouragement.

The book is not a "how to" about ministering to gang members though. Instead the book is a series of parables told very humorously and effectively. The author is an amazing storyteller and he does a fantastic job weaving real-life stories together with important lessons. The parables are vignettes about grace, forgiveness, compassion, love and resurrection, all distilled from Father Boyles' twenty-plus years in the barrio. I found myself alternately laughing and crying, often in the same short chapter.  Believe me, the book will help you see people - and God  - in a very different way.

As you can tell - I can't hardly recommend this book enough! Tolle Lege!


Title: Tattoos on the Heart: The Power of Boundless Compassion
Author: Gregory Boyle
Publisher: Free Press
Publication Date: March 9, 2010
Paperback: 217 pages
ISBN: 9781439153024

Four Things I'm Happy About

Still reflecting on the year just past and anticipating the bright new one. Here are four things that I'm happy happened to me last year:

1. I became a "background artist" (movie extra) for a few months last spring and was in a TV series (MTV's Teen Wolf) and a couple of movies (Joyful Noise, Odd Life of Timothy Green). I have yet to make my debut on the silver screen, and whatever exposure I will get is certain to be fleeting and barely recognizable; but being an extra was fun and it was interesting to get a behind-the-scenes look at the movies.

2. In June I spent a week in Southern California. Donna and I traveled to Pasadena for our daughter Amy's graduation from Fuller Seminary. We were proud parents to be sure, beaming and taking pictures and probably embarrassing our daughter as parents are prone to do. But we also played the tourist card to the hilt, hitting all the "must-see" cheesy places in greater LA including Hollywood, Venice Beach, Malibu, Santa Monica, the Rose Bowl, hiking to the Hollywood sign and walking around (and lying down) in Forest Lawn Cemetery, the final resting place of the stars.

3. In July Donna and I enjoyed an extended stay at our current favorite beach/island locale - lovely Anna Maria Island near Bradenton, FL. While there we got to reconnect with an old friend from high school and meet his wife. We also had time to really explore the area and the opportunity to recalibrate our lives to "island pace."

4. In September I got a job! Praise God! I was hired by Inco Services, Inc. an industrial construction company that serves power plants, pulp and paper mills, wood product companies, recycling industries and more by keeping their factories and machinery in good repair. I'm doing a variety of things for Inco now, but I am mainly involved in Human Resources and Purchasing. I am enjoying using my old business degree and getting back in that mode. Best of all, I'm working with some really great people and bringing home a paycheck.

2011 wasn't a perfect year... my cousin that I was closest to chose to end his own life last January. In April I had surgery. My parents had an up and down health year. Amy broke her ankle in October. And unemployment cast its pall over my personal world for a good two-thirds of the year. Still, all in all I have nothing to complain about and so, so much to be grateful for.

I'm looking forward to what God has in store for us in 2012. I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know Who holds tomorrow; and that's enough for me. See you around...

Happy New Year

I heard a good sermon today  based upon the greatest sermon ever given (found in Matt. 5-7). Grateful for his words (the preacher and Jesus'). Reminded me of the "up is down" world of Jesus where the blessed are the poor, the meek and the mournful, not necessarily the rich, the brash and the "happy" folks. In God's economy the first are last and the last are first. In God's world the master drops to his knees and washes the feet of the servant.

It was a great reminder to depend fully on God in this new year before us - and to practice mercy, and peacemaking, and reconciliation in all its many forms. 2012 is a great time to claim again my brotherhood with the least, the last and the lost; to cry out with the apostle, "Wretched man that I am" and to savor again the joy of my own salvation and forgiveness.

Yes it's time to let go of the past and to embrace what God is doing right now in my life. It's time to stop "barking against the bad" and instead to "chant the beauty of the good" as Emerson so eloquently put it.

I don't know, I suppose attending two funerals in one day and seeing lots of folks from different eras of my life the past few days will do things to a man. I'm grateful for the lessons these days are teaching me.

May God bless you in 2012. Take nothing for granted. Don't put anything off. Stop getting ready to live and start living...now. That's what I plan to do.

Charmed, I'm Sure

Someone going through a difficult time recently told me me that I have lived a charmed life. They said this as a way of telling me I couldn't possibly understand the pain they are going through because my life has been so wonderful. I agree that I can't imagine the pain they are in, but I see two errors in this labeling of my life as "charmed." Both are related to the definition of the word. Webster's defines charmed as "prosperous or extremely lucky."

The first misconception is about what a charmed life really looks like. The dictionary says a charmed life is one that is prosperous but the Bible makes no such clear link between prosperity and blessedness. In fact, quite the opposite is true. That's what Jesus is talking about in the Beatitudes (Matt. 5:1-12):

And Jesus taught them saying...“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you."

According to Jesus a charmed life is not a life free of need, pain or misfortune. Bad things happen to everybody. There will always be things that will happen to us beyond our control and, let's admit it, we all make bad choices from time to time. The silver lining in this cloud is that many times the bad things that happen actually help us to grow and make us better, usually because the difficulties draw us closer to God. Personally, I always learn and grow more through my suffering and trials than I do through my (admittedly infrequent) successes and victories.

God never promised us a perfect (translation "charmed") life, and yet that's what so many of us expect. Just this past week my pastor (Dr. Bob Jolly) reminded us that God doesn't exist for our convenience. God never said all we have to do is pray and He will take away all our troubles, remove all our pain, and give us everything we want so we can live happily ever after. Life will never be like that and especially for God’s children.  When we accept hardship and endure suffering and don't lose our faith in God and His goodness we bring glory to God. It is a way - perhaps even the best way - to honor Him with our life. We are in the midst of a spiritual war here on earth and when we don't give in to evil and retain our faith in God, we have won one of the battles. There will always be another one to fight though.

The second issue I have with the claim that I have lived a charmed life has to do with the second half of the definition of "charmed." The dictionary says living is charmed life is a matter of luck. But the Bible teaches that a charmed life is not an accident, it is the result of the choices we make. Like I said above, there are always going to be things beyond our control that are going to happen in our lives. But as a rule the kind of life you have is more about the choices you make than it is about chance. This is found all over the Scriptures, but nowhere is it clearer than in Joshua 24:15 where we are urged to "Choose this day whom you will serve." Joshua goes on to say, "As for me and my household, we will serve the Lord." That's something you would expect a Christian to say, right? But if we mean it when we say it then why are the lives of believers so difficult to distinguish from the lives of non-believers? Usually it's because the 'choose this day' part is missing. We feel like we chose a long time ago and that will do. But it won't. We must choose this day - today - every day, whom we will serve, because if we don't our guard will come down, our values will erode and before long we're relying on yesterday's choices to make a difference in our lives today and it just doesn't work that way.

Make good choices and you'll have a charmed life - not a trouble-free life, but a God-honoring, God-dependent life despite the inevitable setbacks you are going to face. Good, God-honoring choices in our relationships,  in our parenting, in our work, in our finances, and in how we take care of ourselves - these are the building blocks of a charmed life. Not chance, or the luck of the draw.

No friends, I don't have a charmed life; at least not the kind of charmed life I know I should have. But each and every day I can try - we all can. I believe that's the desire of God's heart, and by His grace, someday maybe we will have a life that can be described as charmed.

A Very Short Post

This is my sister and me on the beach in Puerto Rico. I am obviously very deep in thought which happens to me at the beach even today. Two observations: First, my current physique is getting closer and closer to the body shape I had back when I was 3 years old. Second, I can still feel the warm sun and seabreeze blowing on my head and the warm, sandy water flowing between my toes.

If I close my eyes I can go there right now. Ahhhhh...

Being Proactive

There’s a lot to be said for being proactive in life instead of waiting for things to get so out of hand that you find yourself constantly under the gun. The problem is there is so much to do just to keep up with what’s going on in the present moment, who has time to think about the future? The truth is, being proactive puts us in a position of power and choice. Being reactive, which many of us are, results in stagnation and feelings of powerlessness. We find ourselves smothering under a pile of “ought to’s” and “have to’s” instead of slicing through what needs to be done like a hot knife through warm butter.

I marvel when I read about people like John Wesley who travelled over 250,000 miles, much of it on horseback, preached over 40,000 sermons, and wrote over 200 pamphlets and books. On top of that he founded the Methodist church. Oh, and did I mention he did all this in the 18th century? How did Wesley get all that done when I struggle to get my few simple tasks done each week? I believe the secret lies in being proactive. How can we be more proactive?

First, step away. By step away I am talking about getting out of the rut you are in at your desk (or in your recliner). Get up and get moving! I’ve discovered that many times a simple change in scenery will get my creative juices flowing as well as let the most important items (those I need to be proactive about) percolate up to the top of my mind. This lets what is most important stand out above the urgent matters – those trying to claim my attention even though they aren’t nearly as important. Stepping away can be as simple as taking a walk outside – or driving a different way to work – or altering your daily routine in some other way.

Second, write it down. Once you’ve stepped away and the clutter has begun to clear from your mind you will find your inner compass bringing all sorts of important stuff to mind. Make sure you write this down. And write it down so when you return to it later you will know what you meant. “Bluebird in tree” may mean something right now, but next week you won’t have a clue what you mean by that. Put a date by your note – and maybe even jot down the first action step to accomplishing what it is you think of. A Chinese proverb makes this point succinctly, “The faintest ink is better than the strongest memory.” Write that down too!

Finally, develop a system. By that I mean develop a system that works for you to keep what’s most important – what needs to be done – at the forefront of every “working” moment of your day. I have an elaborate system that involves Microsoft Outlook, Google Calendar and tasks, a Moleskine planner, and an Excel spreadsheet. Your system doesn't need to be nearly as elaborate and complex as that – in fact if it is I feel sorry for you because it means you obviously have some of the same issues as me (perfectionism, OCD, general weirdness, etc…). Just develop a system that works for you; after all, it is your system.

The best thing about taking the steps given above to become more proactive is the glorious freedom that comes from not feeling constantly oppressed by “too much to do,” or by not knowing what to do next. Here’s hoping and praying it happens for you – and soon!