Loose Ends

Well... the feeling of being at "loose ends" has arrived. I feel disconnected, spaced out, unneeded and, well, lost. I'm pretty sure this has to do with a couple of issues I mentioned in a recent post: first, my inordinate need for approval - my "need to be needed" and second, my continual efforts at earning God's grace by "doing" instead of just resting in Him. I am a chronic list-maker and a doer and when you go from 1000 mph to zero, it's frightening and more than a little disconcerting.

While journaling this morning I mused about how many times in the recent past I have said, "If only I had the time...." But now that I "have the time" I feel like a limbless spider that has no way to move about - I'm just bumping around, spinning, going nowhere.

I'm not surprised, of course, at least I know myself that well. I guess what I am surprised about is how quickly this feeling overtook me. I had planned to get away on a trip beginning yesterday, which would have helped, but that trip has apparently fallen through. I wonder, is this God's way of making me sit still and just be present in the moment? Or are there more sinister forces at work?

I dunno... we will see, I suppose. For now I've got clothes to do, then I'm going to Wal-Mart for groceries, then I've got to wash the Trailblazer, and then there's cooking to do for tonight...

Oh well, maybe some day I will learn to "Be still, and know that I am God" - Psalms 46:10