How It's Going

It's been a while since I blogged about how things are going now that I've stepped down from a ten year pastorate and am in between opportunities in my life. It's kind of weird to write about this; I write about it prolifically in my personal journal, but with a public blog like this - even though my readership could be counted on one hand - I am hesitant to say too much. That's why I've written so many book reviews here lately; they're safe. I suppose my hesitancy to air private matters stems from reading other blogs - and, more often, Facebook statuses and "Tweets" that are so self-revealing that you end up feeling embarrassed for the people who wrote them. I particularly dislike those posts where people try to be mysterious, hoping someone will ask "What's going on?" Maybe it's a generational thing, but I believe certain things should be kept between you and your closest circle of family and friends.

On the other hand, I don't want to totally ignore what's going on in my life because that's like not talking about the elephant in the room. Besides, someone may be able to learn something vicariously through my experiences and how I deal with what is going on right now.

So... here we go. I believe things are going well in my adjustment. I stay busy. I'm getting things done that I never had time for before. I feel close to God. I'm also reading a ton, sometimes more than a book a day (a second reason for the multiple book reviews). Some of the books have been more helpful than others. One I just read was especially helpful. It's called The Third Chapter: Passion, Risk, and Adventure in the 25 Years After 50 by Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot.

This book was helpful at giving me words to express what I'm experiencing now - a "neutral zone" that most people experience during major transitions in life, in love, and in work. I am at a point where I not only must adapt to a new situation, but I am also having to let go of the old one. This zone - the one I'm experiencing right now - is a kind of "no man's land between the old reality and the new" where you must wrestle with issues of personal and professional identity. So much of my identity is tied up in what I "do." Strip away the titles of "pastor," "husband," "father," etc... and who am I? What's left? It is a time of confusion, doubt, and incoherence - a time of loss and yet also a time of liberation.

Embracing the difficult and emotionally demanding work of questioning your identity, motives, and ways of being in the world through reflection and self-interrogation is essential if you want to arrive on the other side of the transition a stronger, better equipped, integrated, emotionally whole person. This process requires tremendous patience and cannot be rushed. It requires a great deal of restraint - you constantly feel like launching out on the next adventure, but all the lessons God wants to teach you in this one must be worked though first. The changes you hope to make will be incremental; progress, not perfection is the goal. This process requires a lot of listening, of letting go of your fears, and a willingness to be vulnerable and open. It also may require you to give up many of the practices and presumptions you formerly held - things that served you well in the past and even made you a high achiever or "successful," but that are now no longer helpful, at least not in the ways you employed them in the past.

That's where I am right now. It's not as though I intend to jettison my past or to become a totally new person. I liken what I'm going through right now to bridge-building. I'm building a bridge from what "was" to what "will be." I hope to carry the gifts and tools God has given me across that bridge as I go; some I will have to use differently. I also hope to discover new gifts and tools I already possess but have never used as I cross over. My former life will always be there; it was not a mistake, a failure, nor a waste of time. So be patient with me as I am patient with myself while God and I build this bridge. I believe the gentler, kinder, healthier person I will emerge as through the process will be worth the effort, worth the pain, and worth the wait.